Being unemployed/underemployed has allowed me the time to catch up on reruns of “Sex and the City.” I never watched the show in its initial 6 season run, so it’s been fun to see what all the hype was about. Now that I’ve seen it, I’ve decided I’m definitely Carrie Bradshaw. Sadly, not in the lithe, slim, designer-dressed way she is, and I don’t live in NYC, but in ways emotional, I identify most with her character. At times, I’ve probably been a Samantha, or a Miranda, or even a Charlotte (though very little Charlotte!), but Carrie’s outlook on love and dating are probably most like my own, down to her over-thinking and analyzing her dating relationships… and sometimes not seeing the forest for the trees.
Take my most recent relationship, which, by the way, is much like Carrie’s relationship with Big. My boyfriend’s name was even John! John and I dated off and on for five years. He’s a partner in a law firm, very successful, divorced, two kids, kind, thoughtful, generous, lots of qualities that I want in a man. Unfortunately for me I discovered too late (or perhaps ignored too often) that he a) was emotionally unavailable, and b) leads a very compartmentalized life. He never wanted to introduce me to his friends, kids, or co-workers, although he had met mine; he didn’t want to take me to work functions, etc., etc., etc. For awhile, I was probably OK with that since I was healing from my divorce, but recently, it’s become more of a problem for me.
I’m 49. I’m only 10 months away from 50. I don’t want to grow old alone. And beyond that, I’d like companionship, intimacy, love, help, a confidante, etc. And John just isn’t willing to give that to me. He likes the generally superficial level at which our relationship exists. We talk about everything under the sun, but truly, I can’t say it’s a deep, abiding relationship. He can’t even tell me he loves me, for cryin’ out loud!
So, after much consideration, soul-searching, and crying, I finally broke it off. For good this time. It was really hard, but it had to be done if I’m going to love me and move forward with my life. And I love myself too much to settle for less than someone being open-hearted and emotionally available to me.
I hope John and I will always remain friends. We are now, and have been for five years, but now it will be without the sex. We’ll see how it goes.